august 31 @ 3:39 pm
k, it started yesterday after school when tony went and sat by amber. they were talking casually i guess, and she said something like, "i'm hot.." and tony apparently said something like "yeah you are!". she called and and told me. then, jon called her. i guess he asked her out (again). she said no, becuase she wanted to hold out for tony (and see what was up with skyler).
so she calls me and tells me. first, i kept getting pissed off because every time she would try to talk to me jon would call her and she would apparently rather talk to him than me. and i dunno..she got to get asked out by the guys she liked..so i just broke.
i was literally contemplating sucicide on the phone to jenny. i was a few pills away from it. i had never felt to dark and angry..i couldn't take the pain. i was crying and hating myself..amber just pushed me too far. i was begging anything--anything--to kill me. amber was crying and ended up hanging up on me after i told her what was going on. "i can't take this shit anymore!" she sobbed. and hung up. i was blaming everything on myself..why guys don't like me, why i'm so fucked up, ect. i was in a black hole of nothing but death and hatred. i was in hell.
i got back out after awhile and started to feel normal again. but i still just hated my life. i think i still do. people don't get how it hurts me with things like that. boys are just a..sensitive..hated..loved..depressing thought for me. fuck it.
amber's on the phone with tony right now. he's probably asking her out. lucky her.
fuck it. FUCK IT ALL. i hate my life. what is worth fighting for? why do i have to scream? why do i start things? why do i always say what i don't mean? why does everyone else get the good life? why does everyone else get their stalkers? their loves? and i'm just sitting here in my own mind, drowning myself in my twisted thoughts and hatred.
damn. -dopey
PS, skyler never was going out with her. apparently someone's a stalker.
MaStEr ShAkE SaYs:
previous - next