january 25th, 2008 @ midnight.
there are no words to describe how reading all of these stupid little entries makes me feel.
i can't.
it's been almost two years since i wrote my last entry, and so much has happened..i don't even know where to begin.
starting from february of 2005..
that month went by well, as i remember. i think it was sometime in late march/early april that robby asked me out. it was another pity thing for me; i remember feeling that we were such good friends, i might as well go out with him. so i did.
around that time, i also developed a relationship with a boy named christian--one of joe's friends, kind of popular in my grade. in words, he was a n asshole. i talked to him alot, and, as things go, he found out i liked joe. he told joe, and in ways mysterious still to me, he got joe to ask me out. now i was still going out with robby, in fact i was talking to him on the phone when christian and jon called to tell me joe wanted to go out with me. now, i didn't believe them at first, and i literally starting crying, but then, lo and behold, joe spoke up; he had been on three-way. he asked me out and i joyously said yes, then switched lines to break up with robby. robby was hurt. but, i really didn't care at that time, for i had just gotten what i had always wanted.
i went out with joe for a month, and in retrospect, it wasn't much of a relationship at all. i didn't mind the fact that we never talked on the phone, never hung out, never even had much physical interaction at all, because i was content with just saying he was mine. i don't think i've ever been as happy as i was that entire month since then. there was alot of quibbles that occurred because of my 'dating' joe..i don't even really remember why. all i know is that i stopped talking to nearly all my female friends, and spoke mainly with joe's friends.
at the end of that month, i was on the phone with robby, yet again, and the other line beeped. i switched over, and it was jon and chrisitan, yet again. they said simply, "joe wants to break up with you." when asked why they said, "oh, because none of his friends like you." those few little sentences tore down this little happiness facade i had. i said, "okay." and switched lines over to robby, bawling my eyes out. see, i was only a desperate, naive seventh grader with horrible self-esteem. i don't think they really meant to crush me like they did. but joe was all i thought i had, and i was depressed. that monday, at school, i worked up the courage to sit by him and ask him if he really wanted to break up with me or not, since he wasn't the one that did it. he wouldn't look at me, i remember, and i think he said that no, he hadn't. i got up, and walked away..that was really the last time i ever talked to him about anything serious. for the record, we hadn't even held hands.
the last two months i was in paw paw went by really fast. pennsylvania was drawing nearer, and honestly i was ready to move. i thought paw paw was the biggest shithole someone could ever live in, a judgement i daresay i had no business thinking. my last day came suddenly, and after the bell rang, i said goodbye to everyone, crying, of course. i don't even remember the last i saw of joe or amber..by that time, i don't think amber and i were friends at all.
the move went relatively smoothly itself..it was in may, so the weather was good. my family moved into a small townhouse in a town called lock haven because my parents had decided to build. i was actually going to be going to a school in the bellefonte district, a town about 15 mins away, but for the time before our house was built, i lived in lock haven and got driven into school everyday.
the first day of school was horrible. bellefonte area middle school seemed so big and foreboding; it is not a very modernistic school, with long, stone hallways with rusty lockers and brick walls. i was terrified.
i actually had to stay out for two days because i started to get horrible migraines to the point where i could not move and i would have intense vomiting bouts. the first day i actually DID go, however, is lost to my memory..i'm sure it was awkward. of course, i talked to people that first day and those first weeks that i have never talked to since, nor do i plan on talking to, and i slowly learned the social structure.
but, i was entirely stressed out. i missed paw paw more than i could imagine. i missed the people, the town, the school. the more i missed it, the more depressed i grew, and at school i didn't wish to know anybody. i never really made friends the rest of the seventh grade year, because i didn't want anyone to take the place of my paw paw friends.
summer came and went, a boring one, for i went over to peoples' houses not once, and the first day of eighth grade came upon me. this was really a way to start fresh, because i had gotten over my initial depression, and we were even moving into our new house soon.
i sat next to a girl named caitlin chokeus in homeroom, a girl that would eventually become one of my good friends.
in art class, i met two girls who were supposed best friends (though i never really saw them together) ashlyn and alyssa. ashlyn is a different, loudmouthed, sometimes annoying girl with long, brown, smooth hair and the oddest but most intriguing dark blue eyes i've ever seen. she was extremely free-spirited and hyper; she laughed at most anything and made me feel welcome the slightest bit, though i've since found out that she is not as warm as i initially suspected. alyssa is a plainly pretty girl, with huge brown eyes and brown hair and a nice smile. she was the quiet of the two, always rather reserved, choosing to dress in hoodies and fabric pants, comfortable attire. these two were my first real friends at bams. through them, i met the rest of their 'group'; a few being marissa, a short, stubby but muscular brunette who is cheerful, but almost fakefully so whom was alyssa's other 'best friend', and rachel, a thin but huge-chested curly redhead with an interesting sense of humor. i began hanging out with them as much as possible, for they were really all i had. relationships grew, and by the end of febuary, i was one of the group.
by april, i was a part of bellefonte.
at bams, however, there were no guys of interest, and there still isn't. for awhile, i thought i still liked joe. my god, i fancied myself in love with the boy, and wrote him a love note. it sounds so damn pathetic now..i'm not sure if i really know what i felt for him was. all i know is that i have not liked anyone the way i liked him, or at all. was it love? i guess i have yet to find someone else to let me find out.
ashlyn and mine relationship grew slowly; there were actually many fights between all of us, me being the cause. by summer, though, ashlyn and i were calling eachother our best friends (alyssa and ashlyn started to drift apart, though they still call eachother their bests, i think out of obligation).
this past summer was a moderately fun one--i hung out with people, but nothing too crazy. a small relationship happened between me and a boy i met through sunday school and ashlyn; it meant nothing to me. in fact, i fell into depression over it, for i felt nothing at all.
and finally, this year, my freshman year.
i have a relatively large group of friends, and we all talk. high school isn't as structured as middle school was socially..we as a class are one body, we talk to whomever's available and only show our caste at lunch.
september and october were a blast--nothing but goofing off and enjoying ourselves. in october, a short flare-up with the boy from over summer (whom ashlyn liked) caused a rut in ashlyn and mine's relationship, but she has since said she was almost grateful for it.
however, november brought me sorrow.
i met a girl named courtney who is 16..a scruffy-looking girl whose looks actually scared me the first time i saw her. i had heard of her through alyssa, who apparently talked to her often but then kind of broke it off. courtney was a pothead, i knew that, and she had been held back. she was in my gym class, and she talked to me alot. a relationship rather budded (though really i had nothing much to do with it..she clung to me alot) and the next thing i knew she was calling me 'bestie'.
now courtney has connections..she knows many people from around the area because of drugs. me and ashlyn had expressed interest in getting drunk, because we had never been REALLY gone before, and courtney invited us over.
we walked down to her house from ashlyn's (we told her mom we were just watching movies or something) and when we got there, her neighbor, johnny, was there. it pains me to describe him, but in retrospect, he looks similar to chrisitan. he is 17. we got alcohol from various people and began drinking. ashlyn was out fast, but i held on.
we had vodka, tequila, beer..i think i took about 8 shots and had had another drink besides. soon, it was all great fun, everyone stumbling over eachother, falling but not feeling it, vision blurred, thoughts racing. at one point, however, i blacked out (or simply had some kind of memory lapse) and the next thing i knew, i was on the couch, making out with johnny. i felt nothing..no sexual desire, no giddyness, no rush. it was simply something i was doing and i didn't care in the least bit. he said, "let's go to my house."
we walked towards the front door, but ashlyn, tripped us, telling me while laughing not to make any mistakes. i remember lying there telling her to shut up, because then i just felt definant. i don't remember walking over to his house, but the next thing i knew, i was in his room. there was a bunk bed with a couch on the bottom against one wall and next to that, a mattress. he lay me down on the mattress and we continued to kiss. then the subject of sex got brought up. i remember trying to say, "i'm a virgin..you don't know me..you don't even like me." i knew, faintly, that it was a mistake, but i didn't really care. so it happened. i blacked out. i have only fragments of memories of the actual act..at one point i was graciously thrusted into a wall and a shelf with several heavy objects fell on my face. i didn't feel it, but i had a huge gash under my chin.
at one point, we stopped, and he got up to take a shower. i lay there naked for awhile, then courtney walked in. i saw her and started to cry. i was so confused i tried getting up, but fell and desprately grabbed for my clothes. she tried comforting me, but she was absoutely gone. i ended up putting on my pants but one of johnny's shirts, and i went back, slowly, to courtney's. her house was disgusting when i got there..puke all over the floor, random bottles lying everywhere. i don't know at what point i found ashlyn, lying without anything on from the waist down on courtney's father's bed, giggling. she started to scream, "where are my pants?!" and some instinctive motherly nature kicked in in me and i decided i had to babysit her. i scolded her and then tried to find courtney. she was lying in the bathtub, naked, crying, saying she needed to get clean. i helped her bathe, literally. i don't remember after that, but at some point johnny showed up and started to pick up a bit. courtney, after i had dried and dressed her, told me her grandparents were coming to pick her up, for reasons which are still unclear. we cleaned for awhile and then she left. before she did go, she told us that if we didn't make her house spotless, she would be fucking dead. so we did clean..i have only fragments of this too..at one point i think i put windex on the floor because i thought the tile was dirty. when we were satisfied, i decided to go back over to johnny's. i took the pack of cigarettes we had had, and i think i smoked the whole fucking pack..for some reason i thought it would help me recover. we were at johnny's for awhile when ashlyn said she wanted to go home. i begged her not to, because i was confused and scared. she left. i slept at johnny's house, and at one point he tried having sex with me again, but i cried and pleaded with him to stop. i left that morning at around seven. my head was finally the least bit clear, and i went back to courtney's to get some pepto-bismol and whatever other meds she had. her house was a wreck, still. i didn't care, though, and trekked back to ashlyn's.
when i got there, i was in trouble. her father was angry with ashlyn for leaving me and having come home in the middle of the night. he said that i was not welcome at their home for awhile, a punishment i quickly accepted for anything was better than him finding out about our night. my mom came eventually and i went home, forcing myself to look cherry and eat as to not have my mom suspect my hangover. when i got home i showered for an hour. i was disgusted with myself..absolutely horrified. truthfully, part of me almost felt..adult. i mean, i had lost my virginity! drunk, too! but the more i talked to people about it, the more depressed i grew.
that night, the phone rang. i answered it, and it was ashlyn, crying. she said, "my mom knows." at that point..god i don't even know..i think my brain must've stopped functioning. how could her mom know? and, what's worse, her mom was demanding to talk to me and my mother about it. i cried, a desprate sort of weeping prone to those whom feel they have to bargain for their lives. ashlyn's mom on the phone was stern and scolding, but as far as i could tell, she had no knowledge of johnny. i then told her i would tell my mom we drank and then have my mom call ashlyn's mom. i decided, though, to twist the story, and not let in on all the drinking details. i texted ashlyn our story..we had gone over to courtney's, gotten bored, and took a few shots. i called my mom upstairs, wringing my hands, biting my tongue, and told her. she just looked at me, and i don't even remember the lecture that happened. she was more sad than angry, surprisingly. my mother then called ashlyn's mom, and they talked for awhile. after they hung up, my mom started to cry and i grew disgusted of her and wished her death, i won't even lie.
she left my room and i called robby (btw, we have been best friends ever since seventh grade) and poured my heart out. apparently, at one point in the night i had called him and told him about my devirginization, and he told me that i had worried him. i suppose that's a different story, but the words he said to me were the most..meaningful i've ever been told in my life. however, i was still crushed. on monday, i refused to go to school. i told my mom i had a headache..i was really too depressed to get out of bed. i lulled around my house that day a ghost. at one point, when i could no longer feel any pain, any sadness, i got a box-cutting razor from my dad's toolbox and cut my leg. i cut it somewhere around fifteen times, and stared at the wounds. at that moment, i realized i was spiraling, and i needed to pull myself back together. i couldn't live like that. thus began my climb out of the hole of depression, something i'm still doing to this day.
the next day, at school, i decided to stay after and talk with my english teacher about it, an easy-going young girl whom i liked alot. i told her everything and she really almost cried. she comforted me, something i needed to hear from an adult. ever since, i've talked to her very frequently, as with alot of my other teachers, and found that teachers are cool people, ahah.
my mother doesn't trust me anymore.
i have not been to anyone's house since november, in fear of everything.
that whole episode crushed my self-esteem. i knew i had been used and disgustingly so, at that. and that still haunts me, that whole fucking day still haunts me. i wish i could erase that episode, and so many other episodes from my past. i'm not quite sure what kind of person they've made me..a fearful one, if anything.
i really don't have alot nowadays. i've ceased caring about sex (which i had previously wondered about alot) and started to care about actual relationships. i want one of those. i want a boy to like me for my mind and my personality..even for my mistakes. i don't think i'll find that boy anytime soon.
courtney and i are no longer close friends. i had never wanted to be her friend and, though i still talk to her, never will be again.
ashlyn and i have grown closer, and so have robby and i.
at the beginning of 2008, i vowed that i would overcome this thing and become a different person. and i'm working on it, i really am.
so there you have it.
so much more has happened within these last two, three years that i do not have the time nor willpower to discuss.
maybe another time.
www.myspace.com/dopeyzworld (i'm on myspace everyday)
www.youtube.com/SC4PEGO4T (see me)
aim: mrsxdisco
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